Posted by Kelli Joan Bennett
Day 28. It happens again today. It came up yesterday as well but I didn’t realize it at the time. I actually don’t put two and two together until the same feeling pops up again this morning. I am on a call with a new contributor and editor for the site. She fires off ideas at me like she can’t control herself, she’s that jacked up. 98% of the conversation I’m deliciously buzzed from the energy and excitement that slams into me through the phone line. “Yes, I love that idea for your first piece! Go for it.” Her second concept is bigger, broader and just bold enough to make me want to reach out and get my grubby little hands on it to restrain it. I feel that familiar tightening in my stomach. I lose focus. My mind wanders. The thought bubble outside my dirty haired head reads, “Wait a minute, that’s a little too different, too expansive. I won’t be able to moderate that. I won’t be able to CONTROL IT.” Ahhhh, there it is: the urge to control. It’s been laying low since Day 1 of this adventure…otherwise, there’s no way in hell I’d be so brave in putting myself “out there” without a safety net and being unable to fully restrict myself or regulate reactions.
Before I began this 365-day challenge I created a list I call “Daily Morning Reminders” and I try to read it every morning before starting my creative work. It includes buzzwords that instantly remind me of a weakness or habit or challenge I’m working on. For example, number 3: Let go of perfect and just get shit done. I tend to be a perfectionist so it’s a simple reminder to focus on action instead of getting slowed down by trying to be perfect which is ultimately not possible, so it’s a colossal waste of time and effort pursuing it. When I realize what’s going on with these urges to control and instances of getting rigid with the concept and scope of my new venture, I scour the daily reminder list. Number 19: Don’t judge. Number 23: Accept help. 28, 29 and 30 are the three C’s: Don’t compare, compete or complain. But, nowhere on there is anything about the other big C, control. I’ll be adding that right now. There. Done. Number 31: Don’t control. The whole point of this experiment is to allow not to control. As I think outside the box inside the box and create from what I have, the joy and the freedom is in letting go of the urge to control and instead, allowing the creative process to actually take place.
Until tomorrow, create from what you have…and let go of the urge to control.