Posted by Kelli Joan Bennett
Day 228. Uh-Mazing Romantic Partner has been negotiating a deal for his next gig over this past week and it has been a rollercoaster of yes, no, yes, no, yes, maybe, no, and finally, it appears to have landed on a yes…maybe. The decision hasn’t been easy to arrive at. There are many moving parts, a mind-numbing amount of intense work and a traumatizing number of travel days. In the end, it is his decision to make because he has to pull it off but it impacts both our lives so there were many summits to go over the pros and cons, our goals and dreams, and of course, the good old financial reality of our life.
The most interesting thing for me was the relief I would feel each time it appeared we’d come to a decision—one way or another—and then, the anxious panicked summersaults my stomach would do when new information would be revealed that would change the picture and potentially alter the decision. Oh how we like to believe we can know the future! And oh who are we kidding? Even if it’s completely mapped out in our mind, contracts signed and destination punched into the GPS, we can never fully know exactly where we’re going or what’s ahead of us or how it’s going to look like when we get there. The future may be ours to dream of, plan and pretend we know but it answers to no man. It reveals itself in each new moment, each new day. We can know the future only after it’s happened, not before.
So where am I going with all of this? I don’t know. But I want to! Or at least my stomach does. My intellect does. My ego does. Knowing makes them all feel safe. Safe is nice. But, I’ll say it again, I can’t know! All I can do is surrender to not knowing. All I can do is be here right now. All I can do is dream and plan and then roll with the punches. All I can do is create from wherever I am with whatever I have in each new moment, each new day. Copy that.
Until tomorrow, create from what you have…the unknown future.