Posted by Kelli Joan Bennett
Day 51 Year 2:tran·si·tion noun 1. movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.
Or in my case: the transition from production to post-production. The transition from insane to sane!
Transitions. I really hate them. And I certainly don’t do them gracefully. Never have. In the last three and a half weeks since I wrapped Collusions, I have been going non-stop but in the last 16 days, I started losing it…becoming a true loony toon. Certifiable. Out of my flippin’ mind. Whatever you want to call it. I was it. I’m less crazy now but still crazy. Bottom line, I haven’t finished transitioning.
Let me first start by saying I truly wish there was a switch I could flip that would snap me from being in one energy—one state—to another. To just do an I Dream of Jeani arms cross/head bob or a snap of my fingers and switch from a frenetic state of no-sleep, adrenaline pumping, in production mode to a Zen, relaxed, let’s get creative editing, writing and developing state. No such luck. And whiskey does not work long term. At least for me anyway.
I wasn’t able to finish the cost report before I was off to Atlanta for the funeral for Uh-Mazing Romantic Partner’s grandma. A funeral in the midst of everything didn’t help. But hey, when you’re 94, you go when you’re meant to go. The bright spot in all of the funeral business was that I met an amazing young man who is a recent theatre major graduate and setting out in the world to make his mark. We just totally hit it off. His dream is acting but he’s going for voice-over work initially because, one, he has a great voice and, two, he thinks he can break in easier. He’s Uh-Mazing Romantic Partner’s cousin…well, cousin-in-law, I guess…so that makes him my family even though Uh-Mazing Romantic Partner and I aren’t officially hitched yet. I don’t care. I’m claiming him as my cousin!
The week after I got back from Atlanta…which was last week…I was finally victorious over the cost report. Woo hoo! I promptly rewarded myself with a drive to Vegas to visit Uh-Mazing Romantic Partner who is shooting two episodes of Bar Rescue there. Not to mention, it was Valentine’s Day. Awwwwww. Amore.
So, where am I at now? The cost report for Collusions is finished (yes, we ended up being way over budget) and it went off to our SAG rep this morning. She now has everything she needs to process us getting back our deposit. I called her to follow up and confirm this fact but she hasn’t returned my call. Fingers crossed.
My director seems to be happily working on the assembly of the film and he has a couple meetings with potential editors who might be a match to do the final edit of the film lined up. So that’s great.
Oh, did I mention that I can’t stop eating? Pre-production and production were so stressful I kinda stopped eating there for a couple months. I’m so unhealthy right now and I feel pretty much like shit. Somehow my body has decided to make up for lost eating time but all I seem to want is junk food. Awesome. Part of it might just be nerves, because I never feel “full.” I’m so nervous! About what exactly, I don’t know. Like I need to do something. Which I probably do. Like I’m forgetting something. Which I probably am. Like I fucked something up. Which I probably did. And that brings me back to my current issue: transitions!
I’m just not good at them. I get lost in getting from one place to another emotionally, psychologically, physically. All I want to do is crawl in a hole and hide until I emerge feeling hopeful, feeling excited, feeling like I actually accomplished something these past few months…until the transition storm passes.
And speaking of storms. I have a loooooong list of editing to do on the documentary which I haven’t even started that I need to get done ASAP. Why? Because WTF? How in the hell is that film not done? Good lord! It is exactly four years ago next month since we last filmed anything for it. Sheesh. Supposedly, Dan the Amazing Editor Man is going to be back on the job this month. Granted, there’s only eight days left in this month so he’d better hurry up. We must bring that muthajumper across the finish line. Part of me is in shock that film is still not done. Part of me wonders if it will ever get done. Part of me believes I’m Sisyphus and the doc is my boulder.
Oh crap! I’m literally just remembering I forgot to email Wardrobe Amy that she needs to fill out an I-9 before I can mail her her check. Which reminds me I forgot to mail her her check. Which reminds me I have to do a final comparison of credit card statements to receipts to double check nothing slipped through the cracks and are numbers are right in the cost report. Holy crap! Ugh! My mind. Wow. Well, that would be yes: I am forgetting something, I need to do something and I have fucked up. Oy.
My theme for the year, which I mentioned back on Day 1 of Year 2 is completion. And in the bigger picture for me, the real issue is the global transition of going from incomplete to complete…with everything in my life. From the doc to my business to Collusions to the development of my other projects, to my health, to my relationships and, of course, to my tooth. So much shit to get together, so many things to take across the finish line! A boulder to get back to pushing up the hill so it can roll down again. Deep sigh.
But, right now, I just want to finish transitioning from the out of my mind, frenetic pace of production to the calm, grounded, beautifully creative, safe place of editing, writing and developing my projects minus the sleepless nights and sudden panic attacks. I want to complete getting back to the right side of sane. Wish me luck.
Until tomorrow, create from what you have…transitions to get through.