Creating 2015—Day 3: For The Love Of It
Posted by Kelli Joan Bennett
The week before My Dad passed away, I was lucky enough to spend some time with him and we talked and talked and talked. It was a magical few days together. One of the things we talked about was 2014. The year. He marveled at the idea of it and that he lived to, in his mind, such a wildly science fiction sounding year: 2014. The stuff of The Twilight Zone and Arthur C. Clarke books. And lived he did, a full, vibrant life. As he put it, “I had a good run.” And in the blink of an eye, he’s gone and it’s already 2015!
2015 has me wired. My eyes popped open at 4:12am this morning. I instantly knew there was no chance of falling back asleep. Granted, I’m probably still on east coast time. Why am I so excited about 2015? I do love me a New Year! The possibilities are endless. The slate is clean. The future is unwritten.
My first thought when I wake up: “I get to write today!” Wow. I didn’t see that coming. That’s new. And delicious. The power of making a choice. The power of yes. I quickly start overthinking it though. “Should I take weekends off? Just do Monday through Friday. What about The Daily Dose? Definitely take weekends off. But, I need motivation on the weekends, too.” And on and on until I get up, look at my iPhone and see the date: January 3rd. Three is my favorite number. It’s a sign! I write today.
Doing what I love.
The truth is, no one is reading this! I don’t even think Uh-mazing Romantic Partner has read any of my posts so far this time around. During breakfast yesterday he asks me, “why is YES written in lipstick on the mirror?” I gasp and say, “You need to read my blog!” We immediately break into fits of laughter. Simultaneously, we think of Barney’s obsession with people reading his blog in the first season of How I Met Your Mother. Hilarious.
It’s no surprise if people have stopped following my “In The Trenches” column. I stopped writing on a daily basis two years ago. In 2012, I wrote 366 posts, it was a leap year. In 2013 I wrote a total of 30 posts. In 2014, I wrote two. I initially tried to keep it up daily but I got so slammed shooting Collusions in January of 2013, it wasn’t physically possible. I simply didn’t have enough hours in the day to make a movie and write about it at the same time. And then, well, then I just collapsed in an exhausted, broken, insecure heap at the beginning of February 2013. As my acting coach Julie Ariola always says, “with expansion comes contraction.” And with such a big expansion, I had a big contraction. I stayed in that heap—energy wise—until, well, honestly, a few days ago. 2015 has woken me up! It feels crazy good to be awake.
Still on my shelf.
And, you know what? It’s okay! It is okay if no one is reading this. I feel free. I feel grounded. I feel confident. “No one gives a shit and you feel good?” you might ask. Yes! I know that sounds nuts but the fact that I’m okay with this not being acknowledged or praised or rewarded lets me know I’m on the right path. Does that make sense? When I do something for the love of it…that’s pure, authentic creativity. And that empowers me. That makes me brave. That makes me bold. That makes me fearless. And I need that right now! As my two films slowly move out into the world this year, I could easily be body slammed into an insecure, scared, needy, anxious heap of goo on the ground in the fetal position by all the impending opinions and judgments and results. No, thank you! Been there. Done that. As Caroline Myss so elegantly puts it in her book, Sacred Contracts (which definitely made the cut and is still on my bookshelf!):
“When you do not seek or need external approval, you are at your most powerful. Nobody can disempower you emotionally or psychologically.”
Amen!
Life is too short to live it in the fetal position. In the blink of an eye, I will reach the year of my passing. And like my dad, I hope I marvel at how science fiction sounding the year I have lived to is, and, I can say to myself, “I had a good run.”
Until tomorrow, create from what you have…something you do for the love of it.
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