Creating 2015—Day 316 to Day 318:  MAKING SPACE

Space was made yesterday.  Big space.  Not only in my film slate but also in my energy, my heart, my existential conundrum (AKA my ongoing midlife crisis).  Before I get into the muck of it, I want to give a huge shout out and thank you to Dear Friend—yes, the same dear friend in my last post who has her shit together in such a delicious and beautiful way…all the ways I do not.  Dear Friend came to my rescue yesterday. She not only talked me off an angry ledge but also helped me get to the core of what was really going on for me around this particular project.

The project in question is a satirical self-help book and script based on said book I wrote with a partner 10 years ago.  We were supposed to shoot the film in 2009 but we had a huge falling out instead and didn’t speak for two years.  After making up three years ago, it was in both of our minds to still make the film happen somehow.  We officially put it back on our slates about six months ago.  But alas, I realized yesterday, that I was trying to force it to happen, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole; it was not going to work.  Long story short, we are not the same people we were 10 years ago or three years ago for that matter.  Belief systems have changed, priorities have shifted, and a quagmire of difference now exists between us.  So, why was I giving it any of my time?  Especially when, if I am brutally honest, I no longer feel connected to the material and the partnership dynamic is tenuous, tumultuous, and emotionally abusive for me due to an incredibly painful history—kinda like going back to ‘nam.  Why was I holding on?

Space has been made!

Like any long term relationship gone bad, mixed in with the dysfunction and drama and hurt were love and fun and beautiful, creative moments and memories.  The good stuff.  Anyone who has gone through a divorce knows the crazy making paradox of loving someone and hating them at the same time.  Dear Friend, who was witness to everything over the decade or so of the project’s life, wisely pointed out how much space finally letting go of it would create for me and my other projects.  And that’s when the big “a-ha” hit me.  I was sabotaging myself by holding onto the idea of an old dream, by holding onto the past, by holding onto who I am not anymore.  Besides my ego looking at the project as a failure it still needed to turn into a success, I was also unconsciously using it as a space filler to avoid moving fully into my future, into my authentic self.  And, more specifically, I was unconsciously clogging the space for the films that deeply matter to me to actually be able to move forward.

This morning, I woke up with a little hangover—shouldn’t of had that extra glass of wine with dinner last night—but at the same time, I felt fantastic!  I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  The anger, the analysis and the angst are replaced with peace, possibility, and purpose.  I may have finally and officially ended an old, familiar project but I also freed myself up and much needed creative space in the process.

Until tomorrow, create from what you have…space to make.

Kelli Joan Bennett is a filmmaker, actress, writer, entrepreneur, advocate for creative thinking and Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Think Outside The Box Inside The Box Media.

Follow @KelliJBennett