Day 128: Critical Failure

Day 128.  In the organization that my documentary is on, Darien EMS Post 53, they go through rigid and intense training programs on a regular basis.  In the practical testing process—practical meaning “hands on” in a simulated situation—the student can do 99% perfect but if they miss just one key step they don’t just get a lower grade, they receive what’s called a “critical failure”—the worst kind you can have in EMS training.  In other words, they didn’t do something that was critical to the patient’s safety and wellbeing.  This concept has me thinking about failure in general.  Times when you mess up a little versus fuck up majorly and there’s no going back.  Why is this on my mind this morning?  Well, instead of following through with my drill sergeant-esque “no sleep until it’s done” attitude last night, I passed out about an hour after I published my daily report!  Groan.  I need to work on that.  I did manage to finish the reality string out before I face planted, which is good, but I’m still waking up to not starting scene 37, which is on the schedule.  I’m waking up going, “oh crap, right, I have to finish freakin’ scene 36 first!”  Longer GROAN.

So, before this becomes a total runaway train, I have to catch up and finish scene 36 and do scene 37 today in order to stay on the crusade’s schedule.  If I let it slide one more day, then I’m playing with fire.  It’s just so hard!  There’s so many fun things going on with my other projects!  I’m so damn distracted!  But, having to do three scenes in one day is setting myself up for disaster and more disappointment.  And if I do that then I’m digging myself deeper and deeper into a critical failure hole because I will reach a point where it’s impossible to finish before I leave.  Now, technically and probably obviously, my life is not at stake nor is anyone else’s if I reach critical failure in my crusade’s schedule.  But thinking something doesn’t really matter, there’s no life at stake so to speak—doesn’t this just conveniently let me off the hook?  Doesn’t it allow me to continue to excel in mediocrity, fantasizing about my dreams instead of reaching them?

I’m waxing dramatic this morning probably because I need a pep talk.  These last seven scenes feel like the last six miles in the marathon—the hardest!  Uh-mazing Romantic Partner says I have senioritis.  I’m almost done and I’m really over it.  So, I need some motivation.  I need to remind myself that it feels good to accomplish what I set out to accomplish.  And it feels shitty to let myself off the hook and ignore my dreams and pretend that it’s better to be comfortable, safe, flying under the radar, taking it easy.  Sure, the sleep was nice and necessary.  But now I’m rested.  Now there’s no excuse to let myself down.

Until tomorrow, create from what you have…and don’t let your self down today.

Kelli Joan Bennett is a filmmaker, actress, writer, entrepreneur, advocate for creative thinking and Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Think Outside The Box Inside The Box Media.

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